The Art of Forgiving Self

Man oh man...where in the world have I been??

I know that's a question that many people in my life have asked me and it's something I often ask myself. I've gotten a plethora of texts since I've been off the grid for about 4 months and firstly I want to say thank you for checking on me. If I ever crossed your mind at any point during my social media and life hiatus, I want to thank you for thinking of me too.

As we approach the end of the year and I reflect on what has been, I can confidently say it hasn't been the best. To know me is to know I am goal oriented and Type A to the max. To know me is to also know I will figuratively restart the year without a doubt (lol). I operate in a way that doesn't make sense to most, but makes sense to me.

When I say this year hasn't been the best, I mean it's been bad, very bad. Not only is there devastating news every day with our government in shambles, I've been trying to pick up the pieces of my life. It feels like I can't catch a break in my world with my emotional, physical, and mental state. I lost my spark and at many points this year, I lost Ericka. I can't say there wasn't been a month where I didn't completely fall apart and call my closest friends in tears. There are months where I cried every single day.

No matter how many times I tried to restart the year, it seemed as though nothing worked. I'm good for a rebrand, I've been that way my whole life. I didn't like something about my personality? Changed it. Didn't like something about my outward appearance? Fixed it. Felt like my confidence took a hit? Mended it. In the past, it was nothing for me to bounce back. I love a good cry and time to shed old skin. That was my pattern. However something about this was different and it wasn't as simple as a quick rebrand. I felt in my core that something was off.

The past 4 months, I journaled daily to really get to the core of what's going on. I even restarted therapy to understand how to get back to Ericka because I couldn't find her no matter how hard I looked, no matter how desperate I was. I was committed to getting her back because I am nothing without her, literally. In August, I forced myself to start going back to the gym, eating healthy, journaling, and spending time loving on me.

I feel like a version of myself that I'm proud of again. I'm having a personal renaissance of sorts and I'm excited to see what comes of it. Something that has always been really important to me is creating art and being confident in my artistry. I've abandoned my art by getting bogged down and distracted by things that absolutely do not matter. The entire reason why I moved to New York 3 years ago is to be serious about my filmmaking. In this renaissance, I want to pour into Hendoplasm in ways that I've neglected.

I have felt deep shame about neglecting my art, neglecting myself, neglecting my community. I've never gone MIA like this before, but I needed the time to truly process any and every emotion. She's still a work in progress, she's not perfect, but she's learning and growing everyday.

I've learned so much this year about who I was, who I am now, and where I'm going. I have so much to say, but I'm learning to take my time and not rush. I think working in corporate has made me feel a sense of urgency all the time, but there's beauty in stillness, beauty in pacing yourself. I've had to sit with some of my most uncomfortable thoughts and feelings because for a long time I would patch a bandaid over a large wound.

I am absolutely nothing without my community. Community is my ethos. I am so grateful to have people in my life who in my darkest moments have lifted me up and inspired me in ways I can't begin to describe. Community has helped me identify what matters in this life. Although the last 4 months have been uglier than I'd like to admit, I can still find the beauty in the midst of it all.

To answer the question at the beginning of this post -- I don't know and I don't really want to dwell on it. I forgive myself for abandoning myself. I forgive myself for many things. I know that I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to begin this renaissance. This blog post + revamped site is the start of it.

Happy Halloween. Stay safe.

E